Bad to worse

Can someone please help me?
I think I am in desperate need of help.
The worse thing on earth is getting betrayed.
and that's what I am getting back right now.
I have no idea how to carry on.
I feel so angsty inside me.
I know that one day, i will burst out in tears.
But all of these, I can't help not feeling them.

I really feel so sick and tired!
Please help me ):

Never be the same

Is it just me or something else that is hindering myself?
I really really wonder. I feel so alone now. Feel so vulnerable to everything that is happening.
Like anything that happen could just literally hit me down.
Sometimes, I wish to tell myself its just me. But seriously, I feel that things aren't just that.
I feel that I am staking everything I've got.
I feel that time is chasing me..
I feel that everyone is looking at me in different light.
Is this depression or just me?

It takes time.

While some other people could live a life without fear or worries. I can't.
While it takes two hands to clap, it is no longer as simple as that.

I wish I could hear you, be with you, be happy together with you.
But you and I both know, we can never be the same again.

I am ashamed to tell my mother all of these because I have no idea who will ever be there to protect me.
No one. Since young. I have been taught to grow up under all these circumstances.
Sometimes I wish I was numb from all of these. But no, I can't be numb.

Remember the first time I warn you?
I told you to write letters to your mum so that she will still think your heart belongs to the family.
All you had to do was to show her that you care and things will work perfectly well for us.
What's the point of harbouring all that anger and resulting in today.

I never seen anyone as selfish as her but its alright.
One day. Just need one day to pick it all up again.
One day, you will see the same thing happening to you again.
Because, no one will ever respect you.

Hurts #1

I never been hurt so much before. Never been asked to make a tough decision in life involving my future.

But now yes. I do have to. I feel so hurt inside that I could barely speak, barely do anything.
All i ever wanted was to have a quiet space of my own to do my own things, to have some joy.
Is this too much to ask for?

Each time I think about everywhere I go and not being able to be myself. Be who I want to be.
I feel so crushed and defeated. I have a low self-esteem. I admit it. I don't love the way things are right now. I feel paranoid every now and then. Sometimes when I see people whispering talks and voices, I begin to wonder "is it me"...

tell me how not crushed is that.

Now, my decision is whether to stay or move on. Stay because I still love him. Stay because I believe in our future. But right now, I m in a bleak state. Moving on because I am tired of all these happening. So what if he is a bloody good catch or someone who can consequently become my soul mate. I am exhausted. This commitment may fairly well take me nowhere.

How could i ever be happy thinking of all these stuffs. I need guidance, I need help badly.

I need faith most importantly.